Remember that night on your porch when we held hands and gazed up at the sky? Remember when you reached out, took my hand in yours, and wove my fingers between the empty space between the stars? Your hands are so rough, but your touch so tender. Remember when we’d lay under the mantle of night and talk endlessly about our childhood? Remember how we talked of life and its soaring rises and plummeting falls? You stumbled over your words, but you spoke with such passion.
But at that point, we only talked of the past.
We made no vows and our future had no guarantees. There were only our feelings, and deep inside, both of us were terrified. Terrified because never before have we felt this way for someone. Terrified because this is the real deal. Terrified because we didn’t know what to do.
But there was a night when it all changed.
I remember you lying next to me, your fingers drawing patterns on my skin. I wondered what you were drawing. Were you painting a portrait of us as we grow old together? I scolded myself for thinking of that, because our unspoken code was to make no promises. I remember the tenderness in your eyes as you took my hand and prepared to utter the words that would change my life for ever. But you stumbled, and I saw the fear in your eyes.
“I — I — I love — I love — you. I love you.”
And I was crying, remember? We both cried that night. The curse was broken. Although we were both terrified, we both knew that what we had was real and final. In fact, our fears did not stem from not knowing; we both knew without a shadow of doubt that we wanted to be with each other for the rest of our lives. We wept because we both finally came upon a revelation that would change our relationship from then on.
“I was always afraid to commit. You know what happened to me when I was little. What they took from me. And I saw my parents, which only cemented my belief that nothing lasts. But ideas are golden, because they never decay, never rot, never die. They’re bullet-proof. But what I never thought of was that love is also an idea. I was scared that I’d wake up one day and not feel the same about you. But now I know that will never happen. Don’t ask me how, don’t ask me why. I just know. I look in your eyes, and I see staring back at me the girl of my dreams. But you’re real. I reach out, and I touch you, and you’re warm. And I know what I feel will never die. I love you, Jordan. I love you in a million ways, definite and indefinite. I love you for all your strengths, your weaknesses, your pecadilloes and idiosyncracies. When I come home and have a bad day, I only need to look at you, and I know everything is alright. You are my angel, sent to rescue me from this living Hell. You are the gem that shines with the brilliance of the sun, and keeps away the darkness that plagues me, inside and out. I was afraid to speak about the future. It was restricted grounds for us. But you are my future. I know that now. I love you, Jordan. I love you so much, and if you want me to prove it, I’d go and marry you right now. I’d steal the moon for you. Burn my hands as I reach for the stars, and give it to you as a present, just as long as you want it.”
I cried that night, because your words reflected exactly what I felt. And I wept at how much you struggled to get those words out. Not because I doubted the sincerity of them, but because your difficulty only showed the value you placed on what we have.
I love you too, babe.
